SUPERUSELESS: Quaker Oates

John Oates (of Hall & Oates fame) was blessed with a thick, black moustache and fingers that can tickle a soul guitar into making heavenly sounds. His cousin, Quaker Oates, was not-so-blessed with a direct connection from his stomach to East Coast fault lines. In other words, when Quaker’s tum-tum goes grrrrrrr….Delaware could fall into the Atlantic Ocean. Okay, so that doesn’t sound too bad, but you get the idea. As a result, Quaker has become morbidly obese to keep the tummy tremors at bay. Rumor has it that Tuesday’s quake was a result of his waking up hungry after falling asleep during a daytime “Touched By An Angel” marathon.
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SUPERUSELESS: Out of Shape Shifter

This cautionary tale is one well-known throughout the Superuseless universe. Which is to say, you’ve definitely never heard of it.Shape Shifter was once a rather useful superhero. He could transform into anything from a Flow-bee to a George Foreman Grill—and transform into anyone from the Captain to Tennille. Yet he enjoyed his superhero form most of all, a well-muscled and carefully man-scaped body that seemed to be Adonis reincarnated.

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As Shape Shifter fell more in love with his own reflection, he spent less time fighting crime. Violence ran amok, evildoers went unpunished, and Shape Shifter just didn’t give two deuces. But karma is a real bitch—the superpower gods do not take kindly to squandering their gifts. And so on one fateful morning, the Shape Shifter awoke and stretched in front of the mirror. This time, what he saw in the mirror was not a pretty sight. The once all-powerful Shape Shifter could only transform into an out of shape version of his normal self. Oh the humanity. [A single tear slowly rolls down narrator’s cheek. Fade to black.

SUPERUSELESS: Snidekick

Your right-hand man. Your brother-in-arms. Your sarcastic-prick-partner-in-a-mask? He’s the Snidekick. Unlike Robin or Tonto, this fucking guy always has some snarky remark. His cynical Generation Xisms can really stick in your craw. No one likes to be mocked when they’re out saving the world. Dude doesn’t even help out in a fight. He just comments from the sidelines like he’s a character on Mystery Science 3000. Truly superuseless.
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SUPERUSELESS: Snowfake

From a tender young age, Gerald always knew he was special. And not just because he loved figure skating more than life itself. You see, Gerald (aka, Snowfake) can produce exact replicas of any snowflake he touches. Of course, we all know that no two snowflakes are exactly alike in nature. And despite such power at his disposal, he still gets beat up by his town’s high school hockey team.
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